A Moms’ Guide to Self-Regulation

Self-Regulation can be challenging for ALL moms! The constant of parenting is, well, CONSTANT! This is why self-care and learning ways to regulate your nervous system in both the calm and challenging moments is so incredibly important. Not only will practicing self-regulation reduce your stress, provide you with a sense of emotional balance, and help you build greater emotional resilience, it will also allow for deeper connection between you and your child. 

PERSONAL BENEFITS FOR YOU

Reduced Stress:

As moms we are inundated with constant demands on our time and emotions. Not only are we trying to take care of ourselves, our homes, our adult relationships, and possibly our work; but, we are also responsible for the wellbeing of tiny developing humans with countless needs!  Cue Stress! 

The beauty of self-regulation techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, and cognitive reframing are that they can physiologically reduce our stress hormone levels and help move us from a sympathetic state into a more parasympathetic state. This allows us to then manage the demands of our tiny humans more calmly and in a less stressed state. 

Emotional Balance:

Self-regulation practices also help us learn to manage our own strong emotions like anger, frustration, and anxiety. This can create more emotional balance in our lives. We can acknowledge that our feelings exist while simultaneously processing them and moving through them. We can choose to let our emotions take over, or we can choose to simply let them be a part of how we feel in that moment. In this way, our emotions don’t control us.  

Greater Resilience: 

Self-regulation also leads to emotional resilience! This makes it easier to cope with the setbacks that are sure to happen when parenting typical and neurodivergent kids. In those challenging parenting moments self-regulation allows us to feel less overwhelmed by the circumstances (aka meltdowns) around us.

POSITIVE PARENTING BENEFITS 

Modeling for our Children:

When we model self-regulation for our children we are showing them how to handle emotions in a healthy way. We are teaching them to cope with frustration, and we are patterning healthy ways for them to manage their reactions in difficult moments. This modeling helps promote emotional intelligence in our kids!! 

Improved Communication: 

When we start from a place of regulation as moms, we are much more likely to think clearly before we respond to our children’s behaviors. When we think more clearly we are then able to communicate more effectively. So, instead of yelling and throwing out threats that we don’t really mean or intend to enforce, we are able to step into the moment to address things in a calm and connected way. This approach helps de-escalate moments with our kids that could otherwise go south very quickly. 

Increased Patience: 

Motherhood requires a good deal of patience. And, while we won’t get it right everytime, self-regulation can help extend our patience that extra little bit that we may need in the moment to prevent us from snapping. Instead of reacting, practicing self-regulation allows us to approach our children with empathy and understanding even in the most challenging moments.  

RELATIONSHIP BENEFITS

More Positive Interactions:

When we actively work on self-regulation as moms our homes are filled with more warmth and positivity. This creates the supportive and nurturing environment within which kids thrive! It also helps strengthen those family bonds that are important for secure attachment. 

Reduced Conflict:

Pretty much every mom everywhere would agree that fewer conflicts with their kids would be a welcome idea, and it’s possible! When we work to regulate our emotions, we become less reactive and impulsive in our responses. And, by responding to our kids less harshly we run into far fewer moments of tension that escalate.

Empathy and Connection:

Empathy and connection are the “secret sauce” of parenting! The benefits are countless. When we self-regulate we are more mindful and present. So, we are able to be more attuned to our children’s emotions. This allows us to respond with empathy and compassion which creates a deeper connection with our kids. 

CHILD DEVELOPMENT BENEFITS 

Emotional Security:

Our kids need emotional security to thrive. When we show up as regulated moms we are able to provide a sense of safety for them that promotes a secure attachment and a positive sense of self. 

Improved Behavior:

When we demonstrate and model calm, regulated responses for our kids; we are actually teaching them to manage their own emotions more effectively. And, while all the tantrums and difficult behaviors aren’t going to disappear overnight (because kids acting like kids is normal)…many of their challenging behaviors will often improve or decrease in frequency. 

Higher Emotional Intelligence:

Moms practicing self-regulation are actually promoting emotional intelligence in their kids! Yep, we have that amazing degree of influence on our children’s nervous systems! We can help our children understand their own feelings, help them learn to express these big feelings, and even help them start to practice self-control. 

PERSONAL GROWTH & A SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT

Self-Compassion:

Self-compassion is critical for all moms! We are going to mess up! We aren’t going to stay regulated in every situation. And, yet, we can still pat ourselves on the back for all of the times that we are getting it  “right” or at least “close to right”. By practicing self-regulation we are more likely to show ourselves self-compassion. This has the power to improve our self-esteem and feelings of fulfillment in our role as a mom. It allows us to be less critical of ourselves, knowing that we are doing our imperfect best at parenting. 

Improved Satisfaction with Life: 

Balance is the great teeter-totter of life. But, when we work on self-regulation we are more likely to stay mindful of our own needs. This helps us balance our role as moms with other important goals and aspirations in our lives. 

Positive Sense of Control: 

I haven’t met a mom yet who didn’t want to feel some sense of control in her parenting, her personal life, and her professional life. This doesn’t mean that we are control freaks. This positive sense of control can be a byproduct of self-regulation and can be empowering when we feel in control of our own emotional responses. 

So, we’ve talked about the benefits of self-regulation for moms, but let’s get into the practical stuff!!!! What exactly is self-regulation, and how can moms learn to self-regulate? 

What Do We Mean By Self-Regulation?  

Self-regulation for moms is all about fostering a sturdy emotional foundation. It’s about caring for our own needs and well-being while being able to show up effectively and with compassion and empathy for our kids. Self-regulation means managing our own emotions, thoughts and behaviors in ways that support ourselves and our children. It’s about being able to pause and recognize our own emotional triggers so that we can respond intentionally instead of reactively. Here are a few components of self-regulation. 

• Emotional Awareness

Recognizing your own emotions and emotional triggers like what makes you angry, frustrated, or anxious. 

• Impulse Control

Pausing and choosing a thoughtful response instead of reacting to stressful or triggering situations with your child. 

• Stress Management

Using strategies like deep breathing, mindfulness, exercise and setting healthy boundaries to reduce the overwhelm of stress. 

• Setting Personal Boundaries

Knowing your limits and communicating your boundaries to help prevent overload and burnout as a mom. Balancing family needs with your own personal needs. 

• Consistent Role Modeling

When as a mom you handle challenges calmly, your child learns from this positive role-modeling. Self-regulation in a mom fosters self-regulation in children. You are creating these positive pathways in their brain which leads to emotional intelligence. 

• Resilience

Resilience allows moms to recover more easily from stress and it helps them adapt more positively when things don’t go as planned. Self-regulation helps build this resilience because it helps moms maintain mental and emotional balance even with all of the up’s and down’s that life and parenting can bring. 

GREAT! NOW, HOW DO WE BECOME REGULATED???? 

Mindfulness Practices:

Mindfulness is all about being present in the moment. It’s about paying attention to your thoughts and feelings and your surroundings. Mindfulness is about being fully engaged in the here and now. Instead of letting your mind wander, it’s about paying attention to your breathing, the sounds around you, and the physical sensations in your body. Here are a few ways to practice mindfulness.

• Deep Breathing Exercises

Deep breathing is a great way to calm your nervous system. Slow deep breaths in and out at least three times can help move you from a hyped up sympathetic state into a calmer parasympathetic state. Try inhaling for 4 seconds, hold the breath, and then slowly exhale for 7 seconds. Repeat! You can do this in the middle of stressful moments to help you calm down. You can also practice this in calm moments so that it will come more naturally to you. You can even use a tool like a cute, deep breathing necklace to help you in stressful moments. 

• Meditation 

There are quite a few different ways to meditate. Some moms love guided meditation using Apps like Headspace, Calm, or Insight Timer. These apps can allow you to pause, center yourself, and then regain your focus. But, guided meditation isn’t the only way to meditate. Many moms use prayer as a form of meditation too. There are even meditation cards that you can easily slip into your purse and pull out when you have a moment. These cards act as helpful prompts. If you find your mind wandering simply refocus and start again. It can help to have a meditation space set up for yourself. So grab a cozy meditation pillow  to sit on, maybe a calming, meditation visual, and an essential oil diffuser to help set the mood. 

• Body Scan or Progressive Muscle Relaxation

In these techniques you are going to focus on different parts of your body to release tension and to ground yourself. Start at your head and work your way down taking note of how your body feels. Then, slowly and intentionally relax your muscles as you take slow deep breaths. You can do this sitting in a chair, on a meditation pillow, or on a yoga mat. 

Journaling and Reflection:

Journaling is a great way to help work through your emotions. Not only can it be a stress reliever, it can also be a therapeutic way to process your feelings. Even if you only have time to journal one thought a day you will still find benefits. This beautiful "One Line a Day" journal for moms may be the perfect starting place for you. There are several different journaling options you may want to consider. 

• Emotion Journaling

As moms we have a ton of different emotions. Writing these feelings down can help us identify and understand our triggers. It can help us anticipate our feelings so that we can be more prepared with a response when we feel triggered. So grab a beautiful journal and start writing! 

• Gratitude Journaling

By focusing on what we are grateful for, we can boost our mood with positive emotions, creating more emotional resilience. Try writing down things that you are grateful for daily or maybe even once a week. This doesn’t have to take much time. Just jot down a few bullet points in a gratitude journal so you can look back and be encouraged. Here's a specific Gratitude Journal with mantras that you may find helpful. 

• Reflective Journaling

In this type of journaling you are going to reflect on stressful moments and how you responded to them. You will be doing a self-assessment by reflecting on what went well and how you could do things differently in the future. 

Time Management and Organizational Tools:

This may seem out of place for self-regulation, but as moms we are busy people! Having some extra support to help keep us organized may reduce our stress and allow us to fit in the “me time” that we all need.

• Digital Planners

Multiple Apps like Trello or Google Calendar are available to help reduce the overwhelm of keeping up with everything in your busy day. Some moms like paper calendars and organizational books. Do what works best for you! Family Calendars that are specific for moms can be fun and very helpful too like these linked options that take your kids into account. 

• Setting Boundaries with Time Blocks

It’s easy to get caught up with tasks. Intentionally carving out timer for family, self-care, and rest can help prevent mom burnout. It can also give you a sense of control as you try to balance your responsibilities. 

• Pomodoro Technique 

In this technique you work for shorter periods of time and then take frequent breaks so that you can improve your productivity. This can be helpful if you are trying to juggle household responsibilities along with work. There are even cute Pomodoro clocks and timers to help you with this method. 

Physical Activity:

Most moms are aware of the benefits of MOVEMENT! But, it can be challenging to make it to the gym or a class. Prioritizing time for exercise has numerous benefits! Not only is it great for heart health, for preventing osteoporosis, and for preventing many chronic diseases; it is also great for stress relief! 

• Exercise and Movement

YES!!! Turn up the music and start your own dance party! Go for a walk. Join a yoga or pilates studio. Exercise and simply moving your body is a great way to reduce your stress hormones and as a result your stress levels. It can also increase your energy and improve your overall health. By joining a studio or exercise class you may have the added benefit of meeting other moms and making new friends. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Do what works for you and your schedule. Plus this gives you an excuse to buy some cute new workout and yoga clothes! 

• Quick Movement Breaks

Short walks or even just a quick stretch session in your living room can help your body “reset”. Even 10 minute movement breaks throughout the day can be effective! If you are dealing with difficult parenting moments, consider giving yourself a minute to walk around the block if you can. Breathe in the fresh air. Breathe out the bad feelings. 

Behavioral Techniques:

• Self-Talk and Reframing

Self-talk and reframing are two HIGHLY EFFECTIVE strategies to help moms even in the midst of their worst parenting day! By practicing positive self-talk and reframing negative thoughts, you can shift your perspective. This shift can allow you to have more empathy for yourself and for your child. So, instead of “I’m failing as a mom” you could replace that thought with “I’m doing my best in this challenging situation.” Likewise, you could say, “My child isn’t trying to give me a hard time. My child is having a hard time.” This reframe shifts your perspective and then your response to your child as well. 

• Mantras

Mantras like the ones above are incredibly helpful tools that we can bring to mind quickly when we need to reframe a situation. 

• Using Reminders

Sticky notes and phone reminders with encouraging messages like “Take a deep breath” or “You’ve got this!” can help us shift our perspective and cue us to reframe the moment. There are even sticky notes with encouraging statements in cute patterns available to purchase! 

• Reward Systems

It’s okay to reward yourself! Moms deserve and sometimes need small rewards

to motivate them or to praise them for completing challenging tasks. So, get your 

nails done. Schedule a coffee date with a friend. 

Support Networks:

• Connecting with Other Moms

Motherhood is a rewarding and challenging job. Finding emotional support, camaraderie, and insight from other moms going through similar situations or in similar stages can be helpful. So, consider joining a support group or mom circle. Join an exercise class for moms. If you have the time, consider volunteering in a setting that would allow you to meet other moms. 

• Therapy or Counseling

There is no shame in therapy! To be honest, every human could probably benefit from the tools that therapy or counseling have to offer. Working with a therapist who is a good fit for you can give you a different perspective and possibly more insight into your own emotions, how to process those emotions, and how to develop personal coping strategies.

• Parent Coaching 

Parenting can be challenging. It doesn’t come with a one size fits all manual. Everyone could benefit from more parenting resources and tools. And, especially if you have children who have more behavioral challenges or neurodevelopmental delays, you may desperately need additional professional support to help you navigate your child’s unique needs. Parenting coaches (like what we offer here at www.aparentlyparenting.com) who are well trained and knowledgeable can teach you effective parenting techniques that allow you to be attuned to your child while holding boundaries.  

• Parenting Resources 

In addition to parent coaching, parenting resources like books, articles, podcasts, and courses can also help you gain insight and skills into more effective parenting strategies. That’s what APARENTLY PARENTING (www.aparentlyparenting.com) is all about!!! 

Self-Care Practices: 

• Prioritizing Sleep

Getting enough sleep as a mom (especially if you have a newborn or little ones or even a child with sleep issues) can be easier said than done. But, getting enough rest does significantly improve your ability to regulate your emotions. So, take that nap instead of doing the dishes when your baby is napping. Go to sleep when your kids do even if it seems incredibly early. Turn off the screens and put away the blue light at least an hour or two before bedtime. Stop scrolling on your phone. Social media will still be there tomorrow! Set up your bedroom in ways that will inspire sleep. Purchase a weighted sleep mask and a weighted blanket. Invest in a gorgeous, top of the line sound machine if you can. Or, snag an inexpensive white or brown noise maker. 

Many moms feel like their only time to get things done or have time to themself  is when their child is napping or after their kids have gone to bed. If this is the case, consider asking for a break during the day. Ask a grandparent or hire a babysitter for even just one hour so you can have some alone or productive time during waking hours. 

• Creative Outlets

Moms deserve some fun too!!! Creative activities and hobbies can help you feel like your own person with your own interests and talents again. It is easy to forget that you are more than “MOM”. So try out a painting, cooking, or pottery class. Learn how to ride a horse. Join a book or crafting club. Creative outlets can provide an emotional release and a sense of joy. 

• Scheduled “Me Time”

Want to improve your mood and energy? Nothing is more effective than knowing that you have regular “Me Time” built into your schedule. Carving out time to recharge by doing things you enjoy, even if that means sitting quietly for 15 minutes with nothing being asked of you, can be a game changer. You are still a unique person with your own needs and desires. You don’t need to sacrifice everything about yourself including your own needs in order to be a great mom! The opposite is actually true! By allowing yourself to have an identity outside of motherhood, to take breaks for yourself to recharge,  and to engage in other activities that you enjoy, you will be able to show up as a better version of yourself for your kids. Your kids will thank you!

Scheduled “Me Time” is called scheduled because it truly does require intention and planning on your part to make it happen. Figure out what works best for your schedule and make it happen! Create a set date night with yourself, your girlfriends, or your partner. This way you can have a babysitter already lined up ahead of time. Ask grandparents to spend some quality time with the kids so that you can get your hair and nails done or possibly even do a weekend getaway! Schedule the small moments and the big ones. Leave nothing to chance, because chance isn’t usually on a mom’s side when it comes to self-care. 

Well, we have come to the end of our Moms’ Guide to Self-Regulation. There is so much more that we could say, but this is meant to be a comprehensive overview to get you started on your journey toward self-regulation. For more resources and insights into this topic head to www.aparentlyparenting.com