Helping Kids Find Their Words: How to Teach Children to Express Their Feelings
Nov 18, 2024
As parents, we’ve all been there: our child has a meltdown over something seemingly minor, and it feels like we’re walking on eggshells to avoid another outburst. The good news? Most of the time, these big reactions are just bottled-up feelings that they don’t yet have words for. When we take the time to help kids name and express their emotions, we’re not only helping them handle their current feelings, but we’re also building lifelong skills for emotional intelligence, communication, and resilience.
So, how can we teach kids to express their feelings instead of acting them out? Let’s dive into why this approach is so crucial, hear from a few experts in the field, and go over some practical, positive parenting strategies to help our children put their feelings into words.
Why Words Matter: Giving Language to Emotions
Emotions are complex—even for adults. For kids, feelings can seem overwhelming and confusing, especially when they don’t have the vocabulary to express them. Dr. Dan Siegel, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, often discusses the concept of “Name It to Tame It.” When children learn to name their emotions, their brains become better equipped to manage those emotions. Simply put, labeling feelings helps children calm down because it gives their minds a bit of control over what feels overwhelming.
Dr. Laura Markham, founder of Aha! Parenting, echoes this idea, stating, “When we help children name their emotions, we give them a way to make sense of what they’re feeling and to communicate with us without resorting to tantrums or acting out.” The act of labeling feelings empowers kids to recognize, accept, and eventually work through emotions constructively.
Practical Tips to Help Kids Express Feelings
Below are some tried-and-true strategies from positive parenting experts to help your child put feelings into words. Not only can these tips help them feel understood, but they also teach lifelong skills in emotional regulation and self-awareness.
1. Model the Language of Emotions
Kids learn by watching us. When we label our own feelings or reactions, it shows them how to express theirs. You might say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now because we’re running late. I’m going to take a deep breath to calm down.” By being open about our emotions, we teach kids that feelings are natural and manageable.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside, advises parents to speak openly about their own feelings, explaining, “When parents model emotional vocabulary, they create a safe space for kids to name their own feelings.” So, when we calmly express our feelings, we’re doing double duty: regulating ourselves and teaching our children in the process.
Example: Instead of brushing off your child’s anger, say, “I see you’re feeling really mad. I feel that way too sometimes.”
2. Use Emotion Cards or Books
Visual aids like emotion cards can be incredibly helpful, especially for younger kids who may not yet understand the nuances of emotions. Cards with different facial expressions or images can help kids identify what they’re feeling by pointing to the one that matches their emotion.
Books are also fantastic tools. There are many books available that help children learn to identify and articulate their feelings. In My Heart: A Book of Feelings by Jo Witek, The Color Monster by Anna Llenas, and The Way I Feel by Janan Cain are great options. Reading these books together gives kids a safe way to explore different emotions and talk about how they feel.
3. Practice Reflective Listening
Reflective listening, a technique where you mirror back what your child is saying, can help them feel understood and also teaches them to name their emotions. When a child says, “I hate my brother!” instead of correcting them or dismissing it, you could respond with, “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated with your brother right now.” This helps them realize that you’re listening and validates their feelings without judgment.
Dr. Markham explains that reflective listening helps kids feel heard, which often calms them down and opens the door to problem-solving. “Once they feel understood, kids are much more open to guidance,” she notes.
Example: If your child says, “I don’t want to go to school,” respond with, “Sounds like you’re feeling a bit anxious about school today. Do you want to tell me what’s making you feel that way?”
4. Teach Feeling Words Through Play
Play is a fantastic way for kids to learn. Try setting up role-play scenarios with dolls or action figures, where different “characters” experience different emotions. You can narrate these feelings for the characters—“This doll is feeling left out because no one is playing with her”—and then model how they might handle it. This kind of play encourages kids to identify emotions in others, and by extension, in themselves.
Dr. Mona Delahooke, author of Beyond Behaviors, suggests that playful approaches to learning about emotions are particularly effective with young children. “Kids need practice in a safe, low-pressure environment to recognize and express emotions, and play offers that,” she says.
Example: Use a stuffed animal and say, “Look, Teddy’s feeling sad because he lost his favorite toy. What can we do to help Teddy feel better?”
5. Label Emotions in Real-Time (Without Overdoing It)
While it’s good to label emotions, it’s important to keep it simple and not overdo it. If you’re constantly labeling emotions for your child, it can feel like pressure or micromanagement. Instead, choose moments when they’re clearly struggling and gently offer a word for their feeling. Over time, they’ll start using these words themselves.
Dr. Siegel reminds parents to strike a balance, “By giving them words, we’re giving them tools, but we don’t want to overwhelm them with labels for every tiny mood shift.”
Example: When your child is upset because they lost a game, you could say, “You look disappointed. Losing can be really tough.”
6. Encourage Journaling for Older Kids
For older kids, journaling can be a powerful tool. Suggest that they write down what happened and how it made them feel, even if it’s just a sentence or two. You can help them start by creating a list of feeling words, like frustrated, nervous, or proud, so they have a reference.
According to Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, an expert in adolescent resilience, “Writing down emotions gives tweens and teens a sense of control and helps them process complex feelings.” This exercise teaches them that their feelings matter and that they have a safe outlet for expressing them.
Example: For a child who’s struggling with anxiety, you might say, “Would it help to write down what’s making you nervous? Sometimes seeing it on paper makes it feel a bit smaller.”
7. Acknowledge All Emotions (Yes, Even the Tough Ones)
It’s natural to want our kids to feel happy, but part of emotional literacy is understanding that all feelings are okay. In The Whole-Brain Child, Dr. Siegel emphasizes the importance of embracing all emotions. By validating a child’s anger, frustration, or sadness, we’re showing them that feelings are temporary and manageable.
Example: “It’s okay to feel mad right now. Everyone feels mad sometimes. Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
Practical Takeaways: Teaching Kids to Use Their Words
Name Emotions in Real-Time: Use phrases like, “It seems like you’re feeling…” to help your child connect words with emotions.
Reflective Listening: Repeat back their feelings to show understanding.
Encourage Journaling: For older kids, journaling is a great outlet for exploring emotions.
Model Emotion Language: Show them how you manage your own emotions.
Use Resources: Books, games, and emotion cards can help kids identify and express feelings.
Resources for Building Emotional Vocabulary
Books:
• In My Heart: A Book of Feelings by Jo Witek
• The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
• Beyond Behaviors by Dr. Mona Delahooke
Final Thoughts: Helping Our Kids Feel Heard
Remember, kids don’t come with a ready-made emotional vocabulary. They’re learning as they go, just like us! By giving them the words for their feelings, we’re helping them understand that all emotions are valid and manageable. It takes time and patience, but in the long run, teaching children to name and process their feelings leads to stronger communication skills, better relationships, and a deeper understanding of themselves and others.
Every time you help your child find the words for what they’re feeling, you’re building a bridge between their inner world and the outside world. And that’s a gift they’ll carry for a lifetime.
Parenting Alongside You!
Dr. Emma Hostetter and the Aparently Parenting Team
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