Yesterday was more than a small victory…even though the victory was a small moment in time. It was a moment of TRUTH. This small moment affirmed the parenting style that I tirelessly, imperfectly, and almost religiously have been attempting to master over the past several years. It hasn’t been a single recipe or guaranteed formula. No instruction manual on parenting has it ALL figured out. Instead, this parenting journey has demanded that I piece together bit by bit what fits for my family and my children…for our unique temperaments, traits, personalities, strengths, and weaknesses. It’s a work in progress…but it’s progress that’s working!

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH

I let out a long exasperated sigh as I walked into my oldest daughter’s bathroom. “I am so frustrated with your baby sister! She is into everything.” My daughter, sensing my irritation and being curious about her two-year-old sister’s misdeed asked, “What did she do now?” Calm but with frustration still lacing my voice I said, “She broke her very expensive custom window shade in her bedroom! I just can’t keep up with her! One more thing to fix! It took forever to have it made and finally installed!”

My oldest looked at me with a curious look that I couldn’t quite make out. “Which shade? The white one? The middle one?” It may seem strange, but what she said next filled my heart so full that I almost started crying tears of joy. She looked me in the eye and said, “It wasn’t her. I can’t let her take the blame. It was me. It was an accident. I was trying to help put them up, but I pulled too hard. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break it. It wouldn’t be fair for her to get in trouble for something she didn’t do.”

I looked at my 10 year old with a giant, understanding smiled. I wasn’t frustrated or angry over a curtain any longer. Curtains can be fixed. I was ecstatic that my daughter not only had the courage but felt safe and secure enough in her relationship with me to tell me the truth. The pivot in my parenting style was starting to pay off! Hugging her, I told her that I loved her honesty; I loved that she had been willing to do and say the right thing even thought it was hard. There would be plenty of time to discuss ways to help make it right and to encourage her to tell me up front when she had broken something…but, I didn’t want to ruin this moment of victory for her or for me. I wanted her to feel good about herself and her choice to tell the truth; I wanted to feel good that my relationship building & parenting efforts were making a difference. This may seem like a small victory, but for me it confirmed that my revised parenting efforts were starting to pay off.

HOW TO FOSTER TRUTH TELLING IN YOUR KIDS

A pattern of TRUTH TELLING in the face of mistakes didn’t always exist in my relationship with my daughter. Why? While her maturation and developing executive function played a significant role…so did my parenting style. I was a “good” parent. I had always encouraged my kids to tell the truth and tried to model that for them. I told them that they would be in more trouble for telling a lie, but praised for speaking the truth. Yet, this moral foundation and negative/positive feedback weren’t always enough when they still knew a consequence or shaming may be on the other side of the truth.

Yes, I said shaming!! Without even realizing it I had perpetuated a pattern of shaming language in my parenting style when my kids did something wrong, even as far as to use the phrase, “You should be ashamed of yourself!” Guilty as charged! Not one of my finest confessions, but I think it’s important for other parents to know that we are all learning and unlearning. Many of us need to reparent ourselves in different ways so that we can then effectively parent our own children with more emotional integrity.

Traditional parenting styles (which many of our parents and grandparents used) focused on strict discipline and… you guessed it…intentional and unintentional shaming. If our parents could get us to “feel bad” about what we had done, then we wouldn’t repeat the same offense. We would learn our lesson. We wouldn’t be “naughty” children anymore. And, while it may work with some kids, this demoralizing approach doesn’t work for all (especially not those with brain differences such as ADHD), nor does it build a healthy and safe emotional dynamic between parent and child. It breaks that secure attachment and bond. As a result lying may actually increase.

It’s common for kids to lie when they think the truth will only lead to shame, consequences or parental disappointment. I can recount multiple times when as a child I told a lie to avoid punishment. Kids often lie to avoid shame and consequences as a form of self-defense. They don’t want to break that safe attachment or bond with their parent. They may wish that they could change how things turned out so they wouldn’t feel so bad inside so they fabricate a tale. They may also be curious about the effects of lying or may need extra attention. Lying, minimizing, or inflating the truth could be a coping mechanism for some children struggling with big emotions or poor self-esteem. Realizing that most kids aren’t lying to be disrespectful or blatantly bad, reframes how we as parents deal with this common struggle.

So, what is the key to fostering Truth Telling in our kids? I would suggest that BUILDING an EMOTIONALLY SAFE RELATIONSHIP…or simply put…CONNECTION with our kids may be the foundation that leads to open and honest communication…even when the truth isn’t pretty. Does this mean that an emotionally safe relationship will eliminate any and every lie that could potentially come out of our kids mouths? Of course not! Kids’ brains are still developing throughout childhood and adolescence. Lying is common and “normal” in children as they learn to process new information, develop executive functioning skills, and grow a moral conscience. For children with executive function delays/disorders such as ADHD, lying or simply being mistaken may be more prevalent due to poor working memory and impulsivity. And, while none of us want our kids to be “liars”, becoming truth tellers is a process that starts with trust…our child’s trust in us. Does this CONNECTION happen overnight? Don’t we all wish! Nope, it’s a process that takes time.

Back to my window shade example. My daughter trusted her relationship with me. She wasn’t sure if there would be a natural consequence for breaking the curtain, but she felt safe sharing her mistake…knowing that I would not overreact or doll out unreasonable consequences. I would not shame her. I wouldn’t isolate her, breaking our connection by sending her to her room to “think” about what she had done wrong. I would listen first to her feelings and her explanation. I was a safe person with whom to share her mistake and then problem solve if need be. It didn’t mean I had to be happy about the broken curtain, but my role was to guide her and teach her. Mistakes happen, and we learn from them. Had she lied and allowed her sister to take the blame I would have been disappointed, and she would have been disappointed in herself as well. That’s a feeling that never feels good.

After my daughter’s confession I heard myself say, “I’m so glad you told me. Well, now you know that you can’t pull hard on these curtains or the elastic string will break. I get that you weren’t intentionally trying to break it. I bet you wish that you had been more gentle or asked for some help. Let’s take a look and see if there may be a way to fix it together.” Here I acknowledged that she made a mistake. I praised her for telling me the truth. I did not shame her. I affirmed that she felt bad about it and wished it hadn’t happened. Then, I threw out a teaching moment.

How did I help create this new found emotionally safe connection with my daughter? I’d like to say it was easy, but that would be a lie. Like anything worth doing it has taken work over the past several years. Do I get it right each and every moment of every day? Absolutely not! I’ve had to ask for forgiveness and admit my own shortcomings many times…sometimes multiple times in the same day. But, this modeling has been invaluable in creating that safe relationship.

A willingness to be honest about our own faults and mistakes as parents gives our kids permission to do the same. In addition, it allows us to model empathy for ourselves and supportive self-talk. For example, “I can’t believe I burned dinner. Well, I’m going to take a deep breath, throw this out, and start over. It’s a bummer, but we all mess up sometimes. I guess tonight was my night. I should probably set a timer this time!” Modeling this version of self-talk when we make mistakes helps set the tone for how our kids talk to themselves. If we approach their mistakes with empathy this influences their self-talk and how much empathy they are able to show themselves too. It allows them to feel safe in sharing their own mistakes, knowing that their connection with us as a parent won’t be broken.

In the past I may have responded to my daughter with empathy…but, it’s also possible that I may have responded through a lens of frustration instead, saying something like this: “Why didn’t you tell me you broke it right when it happened? That curtain was so expensive. You should have been more careful. Now, you’re going to have to pay to repair it with your own money. If you don’t have enough you will have to work to earn it. You shouldn’t have even been messing with her curtains in the first place. It’s not even your room! How would you like it if your brother came into your room and broke your curtain?” This version ignores my daughter’s feelings. It shames, and it throws out a consequence which in the moment only heightens her bad feelings. It doesn’t show empathy or teach. It breaks the safe emotional attachment between parent and child.

One of the biggest changes in my parenting style has been filtering each challenging moment with EMPATHY. When my kids are “acting out” it is not because they are trying to be “bad”. Instead, I now see that they are having a hard time; they’re struggling. They don’t yet have the emotional regulation skills or executive functioning skills to help them handle what they are dealing with. All behavior is communication, and they are trying to tell me through behavior what they can’t yet verbalize. This perspective has changed my entire view of parenting and given me the strength that I need at rough moments. It’s allowed me to realize that what’s going on inside my child is what I need to be looking at…not just their behavior. There is always more to the story. I want to create a safe space for my child to share their HONEST feelings, both when things are going well and when they are struggling. Shutting them down, shaming them, putting them in a time out, or throwing out strict punishments only severs this connection.

Creating space for my child’s feelings, acknowledging those feelings, and validating them as true for my child, has been another great way to connect and build a healthy, safe relationship with my child. Just giving her feelings permission to exist helps her move through her feelings and big emotions more quickly. It also lets her know that I can handle hearing about her feelings. They aren’t going to change my love for her or ruin my day. There is something freeing for all of us about “get things off our chest,” kids included. Letting her know that I hear her and see her builds trust. So, when my daughter feels like lashing out or exploding with big feelings, I intentionally don’t send her away unless she tells me that she needs time to herself to cool off. Instead, during those challenging moments I try harder to be present and connect. I let her know that I’m here for her even if it’s just to be present, sitting on the floor beside her bed.

Building a Safe Emotional Relationship or CONNECTION With Your Child will be fundamental in diminishing your child’s “need” to lie and increasing your child’s willingness to share their feelings and the truth, knowing that you are there to listen, support, teach and guide them. Approaching them with empathy, recognizing that they may be having a hard time, acknowledging your own mistakes and owning up to them, modeling positive self-talk and empathy for yourself, listening to your child’s feelings and helping them problem solve to make things right when they do mess up are all ways to build positive attachment that fosters honesty. Is this list exhaustive? Of course not! Are there more tools, tips, and ways to encourage honesty? Of Course. This is just a starting point.

Follow along for more ways to build connection with your child & foster a safe, healthy relationship.

Honestly,

Dr. Emma Hostetter/Aparently More 

(originally published May 11, 2023 on The Honest Croissant)