Parenting All the Feelings in Our Kids
Mar 16, 2024
It’s interesting what our children take away from their encounters with us…the imperfect parents who love them. My children have taught me countless lessons in their short lives based on the feedback that they’ve given me…invalidating my old parenting style. A style that didn’t let them feel all that they needed to feel. While they didn’t specifically identify what my parenting shortcomings were, their responses to my efforts clearly SCREAMED that I was doing something wrong.
My intuition told me that there must be a better way. A way to work through meltdowns. A way to boost my child’s lagging self-esteem. A way to keep the bond without losing “control”. Did my daughter really hate me like she said in fits of anger? Was I really the worst parent like my son growled when disappointed?
One of the most salient learning curves that has reframed my entire parenting style has been learning to acknowledge my children’s feelings and make space for my own. This may sound too touchy-feely to some of you, but give me a chance to explain. As a physician I’m all about the scientific research method. I want data. I want evidence. I want effective interventions.
My desperate journey toward becoming a better parent began with a book that has been on the shelves since the 1970’s!! Reading this game changing book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, was my first step toward restoring my relationship with my kids and allowing them to create pathways in their brains for emotional regulation and integrity later in life.
How did I know the method of affirming or acknowledging feelings was working? One random day in the middle of a conversation my daughter blurted out, “Last summer my mom didn’t listen to me or spend as much time with me because she was taking care of my crazy brother. But, now she listens better.” Was I really spending more time with her? Was her brother any less demanding? NOPE! And, on another occasion she said, “My mom didn’t used to listen to my feelings. Now she does. She wasn’t a very good mom back then. She’s SOOOO MUCH BETTER NOW!” Had I become a totally different person? NOPE! The difference was that she now felt heard.
Acknowledging feelings isn’t the end point in parenting, but it is an amazing starting point for developing a healthy connection with our kids and for helping them learn to regulate their big feelings. I didn’t realize how much more my children would share with me if I didn’t contradict, minimize, or unintentionally dismiss their feelings. I had been missing out on so much of the underlying emotional struggle because I had been focusing on their behavior and trying to make the meltdowns go away.
Without even realizing it I had been minimizing, contradicting and dismissing my kids’ feelings for years. In my “I’m a great mom” mindset, I always wanted to make everything OKAY! And, if something wasn’t okay, I could always find the silver lining in any negative situation. My positive upbeat attitude had always served me well, propelling me through medical school, residency, and onto a masters in public health. Even with our infertility and preemie struggles my ability to spin the situation to a positive light had helped. Why wouldn’t it be the perfect parenting tactic to help my kids move on when life gave them lemons? Every kid is sure to like lemonade.
But, after a parenting awakening when things had gone to a dark place in my home with poor self-esteem and lack of cooperation, I was introduced to the concept of acknowledging all of my children’s feelings. I didn’t have to agree with them, but allowing them to hold space for even just a moment allowed room for my child to be heard, calm down, and move on…all without a lecture in positivity from me. Just sitting there listening, nodding, and affirming that what they felt was valid for them was the game changer.
This change in parenting style has required that I reparent myself, allowing myself to feel my own feelings in order to process them and then regulate them, rather than squish them down as unjustified. I can hear myself and my mother…and so many well intentioned mothers around me…
“You’re not cold! It’s hot out here. Take off that jacket!”
“That doesn’t hurt too badly. Just shake it off. You’re okay.”
“Your brother is not annoying. You love your brother.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Jeans are not uncomfortable. Just put them on!”
“You’ll be fine!”
“Stop being so shy. Everyone else is out playing. You are ruining your time.”
“There is nothing to be afraid of!”
“You are not shy! Just go into the classroom. You’ve been here before.”
“Your teacher is nice! It’s not kind to say otherwise.”
“Don’t worry. It will be okay. Think about the positives.”
“It will only be for a second.”
“Maybe it’s actually good that this happened.”
“Don’t worry. Be brave.”
And the list could go on and on. Do any of these resonate with you or can you think of similar statements you have said to your children or a caregiver has said to you?
As though disappointment was an emotion that should never be allowed…or fear a sign of weakness…or discomfort an unacceptable physical reaction. I had never thought of it this way, but I began to realize that always having a silver lining didn’t allow my kids to actually process their emotions or then move on to problem solve for themselves or as a team effort with me.
How many times had my emotions been dismissed not just by my own parents but by teachers, coaches, doctors, nurses, colleagues? My feelings were frequently stuffed down and forced to simmer, leading to small resentments and some larger. My parents were loving. They were doing their best with the insights they had at the time. And, yet…
Now that I have been enlightened, I determined that I would hear my kids. I would actually listen. I would let them feel what they felt. I would let them express their true emotions without judgement or reprimand. All feelings could be aired, but not all feelings could be acted on. I didn’t have to agree with the feelings, but I could make space for them and be there to listen. Only my child knew what they felt in their own body. Who was I to dictate their feelings?
I wouldn’t call it magic, but the transformation with my kids was impressive. They felt validated. They felt heard. They surprised me in their improvement in working through feelings of disappointment, anger, frustration, and fear. They didn’t need me to make everything okay. They just needed to let the feelings out and know that I was there in the discomfort with them.
I now catch myself saying things like, “Wow! You seem angry. Your brother must have really upset you!” Statements like these are met with a rush of feelings. “Yes! He made me so angry. I wish I didn’t have a brother.” I now respond non-judgmentally, “He made you that mad! That is pretty mad. I get it. Brothers can be so frustrating at times.” As my child simmers down, they usually come to their own conclusion. “Well, I do love him, but sometimes he’s just so annoying.” And, then as though a weight has been lifted, my angry child moves on. Of course, it isn’t always this easy…but transitioning through big feelings more easily is happening more often. That’s a win.
As humans our emotions aren’t meant to be suppressed. Of course, over time and with frontal lobe brain development, self-regulation and emotional control comes. But, children’s brains are still developing. They are still learning emotional regulation. They are depending on us to help them self-regulate through co-regulation. By acknowledging feelings, and showing our kids that we can handle their big emotions without getting dysregulated ourselves, we are helping to wire the circuitry for emotional regulation in their brains. How amazing is that!!!!
Stay tuned for more details and skills on fostering emotional regulation in our kids…and ourselves!
Honestly, Dr. Emma
(first published by Dr. Emma Hostetter on The Honest Croissant May 31, 2023)
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