Repair...the "Secret" Ingredient to Great Parenting
May 06, 2024
I took a deep breath as I walked into my daughter's bedroom. It had been a painful evening, one filled with yelling and tears, anxieties and frustrations. She had slammed drawers and doors as her emotions surged. She had scowled and grumbled and told me to go away as her big feelings overwhelmed her small body. She had blamed me, criticized me, and made me the brunt of everything that had gone wrong in her world that day.
In the past I would have fumed at her "rudeness". Now I saw her behavior through the lens of a new parenting paradigm, one less rooted in behaviorism and more focused on the brain-body connection. This nervous system approach rooted in empathy and connection empowered me to recognize that my good kid was overcome with bad, explosive feelings...pent up feelings that needed an outlet. Her brain was still developing the executive function skills needed for emotional regulation.
But, in the meantime, my child felt safe sharing all of her feelings with me even if it was in an uproar. She didn't have to mask or edit her true emotions. And, so, I kept my cool. I listened. I affirmed her feelings. I validated them, and I named them. I offered to help her problem solve. I tried to change the mood with play and laughter. I ignored the doors and drawers as they slammed with punctuated emphasis. I reminded my daughter that I was on her team. I took a few deep breaths and said a few mantras.
I wish I could say that my attunement calmed her down as I tried to maintain connection, but on this daunting occasion, no matter what I tried, it felt like my efforts fell flat. So, being the imperfect mom that I am...instead of continuing to model my own emotional regulation for her (which would have been effective in the long run), I found myself triggered as I snapped back.
I wanted to clamp my hand over my mouth as soon as I started speaking, but my own powerful emotions let loose. If my calm, understanding efforts had failed at calming her emotional tempest, you can imagine the effects my shaming, criticizing, and "fed up" response ignited. I had just lost my own inner battle, giving up my own emotional regulation. I had forfeited modeling the behavior I wanted to instill in my own child. I had allowed her big feelings to dictate my own.
In that moment I made an important decision. This didn't have to continue! I had the power to once again change the course of the evening. I had been triggered, but I also had the power to regain my emotional compass. The explosive nature of my daughter's feelings had overstimulated my own sensitive nervous system. I desperately needed a moment to re-regulate my feelings of frustration, disappointment, and upset. So, I calmly told her, "I need a minute to calm down."
Stepping away, I grounded myself against a wall and took some deep breaths in and out, remembering all I had learned about polyvagal theory and the body-mind connection. I begged my vagus nerve to restore my sense of calm as I pretended to blow through a straw. Positive self-talk kicked in, and I reminded myself that, "I'm just a mom doing my best even if that best isn't always perfect." In that moment I forgave myself and my daughter. I acknowledged that we were both doing the best we could with the skills we had and with our own unique nervous systems. Then, I resolved to do better.
What happened next is the "secret sauce". It's the "key" to moving into the next room. It's the "poultice" for the deepest of wounds. It is the "light" in the dark tunnel. It is every metaphor that speaks to the power of restoration. And, it's called REPAIR.
I've heard that typical kids need good parents, but challenging kids need "great" parents. In my opinion all kids deserve great parents, but it's our more challenging children that push us toward greatness. They force us to do the introspective work that illuminates our own triggers, to reparent ourselves. Their frequent push backs and emotional outbursts motivate us to master new parenting skills, to look for better answers, and to foster connection at all costs. These deeply feeling, strong and complex kiddos give us the opportunity to frequently mess up in our parenting and then just as frequently practice "making it right again". They inspire us to embrace REPAIR so that we can embrace them fully once again, imperfections, big feelings, and all.
My daughter had turned out the lights and was now hiding under her covers. But instead of shouting or telling me to go away, she allowed me to approach. As I sat on the edge of her bed I gently rubbed her hidden back and whispered these words, "Sweetheart, I don't think tonight turned out the way that either of us wanted. I love you so so much! There is nothing that you could do or say that would ever change that. You had some really big feelings tonight. I had some big feelings too, but I shouldn't have let my big feelings come out the way that they did. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?" As she pulled back the covers she lowered her defenses as well and tears started to trickle down her cheeks. "I love you too. I was just so upset and worried about my test and the fundraiser run and EVERYTHING! I didn't mean what I said about you. You are the best mom!"
In that moment I was reminded that shaming words, consequences and punishments are weak tools in the parenting belt. Nothing compares to the power of connection, even connection repaired after rupture. REPAIR is always an option even if that means that we stop talking mid-sentence to course correct. Repair is about acknowledging our own "mess-ups". It is about owning up to how we contributed to the problem and then trying to make it right.
Don't get me wrong. It isn't about allowing our child to walk all over us or about being permissive parents. Boundaries keep our kids safe and give them a sense of structure and stability. But, outside of the heated moments we can revisit our child's harsh words and explosive behavior with them, mutually problem solving what they could have done differently. Connection and repair are essential before our child will be open to correction. And, by modeling repair and emotional regulation we are actively teaching our child these skills.
My daughter and I didn't solve everything that night, but we had done the most important work. My child went to bed knowing that she was immensely loved. And, I went to bed secure in the knowledge that THIS was the "stuff" that GREAT, albeit imperfect parenting was made of.
Honestly, Dr. Emma
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