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Rethinking Holiday Gift-Giving for Your Kids—Why Fair Isn’t the Goal

Dec 23, 2024

The holiday season is a magical time, but it can also bring stress—especially when it comes to gift-giving for kids. As parents, we often feel the pressure to make everything perfectly “fair.” Same number of gifts, same dollar amount spent, and the same level of excitement.

But according to parenting experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in Siblings Without Rivalry, this approach can backfire. Kids don’t actually want things to be perfectly equal—they want to feel seen, valued, and loved for who they are.

Let’s dive deeper into this concept and explore how you can make gift-giving less about fairness and more about connection. This is a concept that is widely accepted in the positive parenting community.

Why “Fair” Isn’t the Goal

When parents focus on fairness, it can unintentionally create tension. Why? Because fairness isn’t about numbers or price tags—it’s about meeting individual needs and acknowledging unique personalities.

The Problem with “Fair” Gift-Giving
• Kids Interpret Fairness Differently: One child might see a bigger gift and feel cheated, while another might focus on the quantity of gifts and feel left out.
• Fairness Can Breed Comparison: When we strive to be equal, we inadvertently encourage kids to compare, which can fuel sibling rivalry and dissatisfaction.

What Kids Really Want

According to Faber and Mazlish, kids don’t keep score the way we think they do. What they truly crave is the feeling of being understood and loved. They want to know their parents recognize their unique interests, passions, and personalities.

How to Approach Gift-Giving Differently

1. Focus on Connection, Not Comparison

Rather than stressing about spending the same amount or buying the same number of gifts, think about what each child loves.

Here are a couple examples to get you started!
• If one child is passionate about art, give them a set of high-quality art supplies.
• If another child loves sports, a basketball or a skateboard might be perfect.

Each gift is different, but both show that you’re paying attention to who your children are.

2. Acknowledge Feelings Without Justifying

It’s natural for kids to compare gifts. Instead of explaining or defending your choices, focus on acknowledging their feelings.

What to Say:
• “I see you’re feeling upset that your sister got a bigger gift. Let’s talk about it.”
• “You’re right—your brother got something different because he loves [activity], and you got something special just for you.”

This approach shifts the conversation from fairness to connection and helps kids feel heard.

Two Quick Takeaways for Gift-Giving
1. Personalize, Don’t Equalize: Think about what will light up each child’s eyes, not about matching gifts.
2. Focus on Feelings: When comparisons arise, acknowledge emotions and highlight your child’s unique gift.

What Happens When You Get This Right?

When you move away from the idea of “fair” and focus on what makes each child feel valued, you create a holiday season that feels magical for everyone. Kids grow up remembering how their parents paid attention to who they were—not how many gifts they got.

This holiday season, let go of the pressure to make things perfectly equal and embrace the chance to connect with your children in a way that truly matters. Because at the end of the day, the best gift you can give your kids is the feeling of being deeply loved.

Parenting Alongside You!

Dr. Emma Hostetter at Aparently Parenting

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Rethinking Holiday Gift-Giving for Your Kids—Why Fair Isn’t the Goal

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