Understanding ADHD and Stealing: A Positive Parenting Approach
Nov 26, 2024
Parenting a child with ADHD can be challenging and rewarding at the same time. Two behaviors that sometimes show up and deeply concern parents are stealing and lying, behaviors often misunderstood and met with frustration. However, these actions, especially in children with ADHD, are not usually about malicious intent. Instead, they often come from a combination of impulsivity, difficulty with self-regulation, and a need for dopamine. Let's take a closer look at the 'Why' behind these behaviors and then at some strategies to help!
Why Children with ADHD Might Steal
Stealing is not uncommon in children with ADHD, and it’s important to understand the underlying reasons:
1. Impulsivity
ADHD affects the brain’s ability to pause and consider consequences. Children may see something they want, act on the urge, and then later realize their mistake. This impulsivity is not a deliberate choice but a hallmark of ADHD, where the “brakes” of the brain don’t engage as quickly as they should.
2. Underdeveloped Executive Functioning
Executive functions like planning, memory, and self-control are often delayed in children with ADHD. This delay can make it hard for them to weigh the long-term impact of their actions. They may struggle with the concept of ownership or forget that taking something without asking is wrong.
3. Dopamine Dysregulation
ADHD brains have lower levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in reward and pleasure. Stealing or lying may provide a quick “hit” of dopamine, making the behavior unintentionally rewarding. This is not an excuse but a lens through which to understand the root cause.
4. Difficulty with Emotional Regulation
Children with ADHD may take items impulsively in moments of stress, frustration, or excitement, seeing it as a way to self-soothe. They might also lie to avoid punishment because they fear the emotional consequences of admitting the truth.
Is This Just a Phase?
The good news is that for many children, these behaviors are a phase linked to their development and ADHD symptoms. As they mature and develop better self-regulation and coping strategies, these behaviors often decrease. With patience, understanding, and consistent guidance, children can learn to manage their impulses and make better choices.
Strategies to Address Stealing Positively
1. Stay Calm and Curious
When you discover that your child has stolen something, resist the urge to react with anger or punishment. Instead, stay calm and ask open-ended questions like:
“Can you help me understand why you thought it was okay to take this?”
“How were you feeling when you decided to take this?”
This approach helps you uncover the emotional or impulsive trigger behind the behavior.
2. Teach Empathy and Ownership
Use the situation as a teaching moment to explain why stealing hurts others.
For example:
“When we take something that doesn’t belong to us, it can make the other person feel sad or upset. Encourage your child to return the item or make amends, which reinforces accountability without shame.
3. Provide Clear and Consistent Rules
Children with ADHD thrive on structure. Set clear rules about ownership, like:
“If you want something, you need to ask permission first.”
“If you take something by mistake, it’s important to tell me right away so we can fix it together.”
4. Focus on Dopamine-Rich Activities
If stealing is linked to a need for dopamine, redirect your child’s energy into positive, stimulating activities:
Physical Exercise: Activities like jumping, running, or sports boost dopamine naturally.
Creative Outlets: Drawing, building, or solving puzzles can engage their brains.
Reward Systems: Use positive reinforcement to provide the dopamine “reward” they seek.
5. Build Self-Regulation Skills
Teach strategies for managing impulses, such as:
• Pause and Breathe: Encourage them to count to five before acting.
• Role-Playing: Practice scenarios where they might feel tempted to take something and rehearse better choices.
• Visual Reminders: Post reminders about rules and appropriate behaviors around the house.
6. Model and Reinforce Honesty
Praise your child whenever they demonstrate honesty, even in small ways. For example: “I’m proud of you for telling me the truth, even though it was hard.” This reinforces the value of honesty and builds trust over time.
7. Collaborate on Solutions
Involve your child in finding ways to prevent future incidents. For instance, ask: “What do you think we can do to help you remember to ask before taking something?” Giving them a sense of ownership in the solution can increase buy-in and accountability.
Giving Parents Hope
It’s natural to feel frustrated or even worried when your child steals or lies. However, remember that these behaviors are often symptoms of ADHD rather than reflections of character. With time, support, and consistent guidance, your child can learn to manage their impulses and make better choices.
ADHD comes with its challenges, but it also brings incredible strengths—creativity, resilience, and out-of-the-box thinking. By focusing on connection, teaching skills, and fostering a supportive environment, you’re equipping your child with tools to thrive not just now, but in the future.
Stealing and lying are not the end of the story; they’re a chapter in your child’s growth. With patience and understanding, you can turn these challenges into opportunities for learning, connection, and growth.
Parenting Alongside You!
Dr. Emma Hostetter at Aparently Parenting
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