Understanding Polyvagal Theory: A Guide for Parents to Support Emotional Well-Being
Nov 14, 2024
Parenting can feel like navigating a minefield of emotions, from meltdowns over “the wrong color cup” to epic sibling battles. We’ve all had those moments where we wonder, “What is happening in that little brain?” Well, science has some answers. Enter polyvagal theory—a model developed by Dr. Stephen Porges that helps explain the connection between our nervous systems and emotional responses.
Polyvagal theory provides a roadmap to understanding why our children react the way they do and offers powerful insights for parenting in ways that foster emotional safety and resilience. Experts like Dr. Mona Delahooke, author of Beyond Behaviors, bring polyvagal theory into the world of parenting, making it practical and approachable for parents looking to support their children’s emotional well-being.
In this post, we’ll break down the basics of polyvagal theory, explain how it impacts your child’s behavior, and offer practical, science-backed strategies to help you respond in a way that calms the nervous system and strengthens your connection.
What is Polyvagal Theory?
Polyvagal theory, introduced by neuroscientist Dr. Stephen Porges, describes how our nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety or danger in the environment, a process he calls “neuroception.” This process happens automatically, influencing our behavior and feelings before we’re even consciously aware of it.
At its core, polyvagal theory divides the autonomic nervous system into three main states:
1. The Ventral Vagal State (Social Engagement)
This is where we feel calm, connected, and safe. In this state, our bodies are regulated, and we’re open to social interactions and learning.
2. The Sympathetic State (Fight-or-Flight)
When we perceive a threat, we shift into this state, characterized by heightened arousal and a readiness to defend ourselves. For children, this might look like lashing out, yelling, or even running away.
3. The Dorsal Vagal State (Shutdown or Freeze)
If the perceived threat feels overwhelming, our system may shift into a shutdown mode, conserving energy and withdrawing from the situation. Children in this state may seem zoned out, unresponsive, or overly tired.
Understanding these states helps us see behavior as a reflection of a child’s nervous system state, rather than simply “good” or “bad” behavior. This knowledge empowers us to approach our children with empathy, supporting their journey back to a state of calm and connection.
How Polyvagal Theory Applies to Parenting
For parents, polyvagal theory offers a new lens for understanding challenging behavior. Dr. Mona Delahooke emphasizes that “behavior is communication.” When a child acts out, it’s often because they’re experiencing stress or a perceived threat to their safety. By recognizing which nervous system state our child is in, we can tailor our response to help them feel safe and understood.
As Dr. Porges explains, “We are biologically wired to connect, and when we feel safe, we are open to engagement.” Our goal as parents is to create a sense of safety and connection, which enables our children to return to the ventral vagal state and engage in positive interactions.
Practical Strategies for Using Polyvagal Theory in Parenting
Understanding the science is one thing; applying it is another. Here are some practical strategies to bring polyvagal theory into your parenting toolkit.
1. Become an “Emotional Co-Regulator”
When children are dysregulated, they need a calm, steady presence to help them return to a state of calm. Dr. Delahooke emphasizes that “co-regulation is the foundation of self-regulation.” Think of it as lending them your calm energy when they’re unable to find it themselves.
Practical Tip: When your child is upset, focus on keeping your tone soft and steady, maintain gentle eye contact, and let them know you’re there. Instead of saying, “Calm down,” try, “I’m here with you. Let’s breathe together.” For some children direct eye contact can feel intrusive. For these children, simply offer your presence at their level. Maybe get down on the floor with them or let them climb into your lap.
2. Use Sensory Comforts to Soothe the Nervous System
Sometimes, a child’s nervous system needs sensory support to shift out of a stressed state. Polyvagal theory suggests that sensory experiences (like touch, sound, and movement) can help our bodies return to a ventral vagal state.
Practical Tip: Create a “calm corner” with soothing items like a soft blanket, noise-canceling headphones, or a stress ball. When your child needs a break, encourage them to spend a few minutes in this space to reset.
3. Acknowledge Their Feelings Before Problem-Solving
When children feel seen and heard, it helps their nervous systems feel safe. Acknowledging your child’s feelings lets them know they’re safe and understood, which helps them return to a state of regulation. For some children naming their feeling may feel intrusive and could lead to more dysregulation. This is often true for highly sensitive children. Instead, you can use a less direct approach by simply saying something like, "This feels hard right now." instead of saying, "You are so mad."
Practical Tip: Try saying, “You seem really upset about not getting that toy. I understand it’s hard to wait.” This validates their feelings, making them feel seen, which helps de-escalate the situation.
4. Model Emotional Regulation
Children learn from our example. When we stay calm in the face of stress, we show them what it looks like to manage big emotions. As Porges points out, “Our nervous systems respond to each other,” meaning our calmness can actually help regulate their emotions.
Practical Tip: Practice deep breathing or counting to yourself when feeling frustrated. Let them know, “I’m taking some deep breaths to help me feel calm.”
5. Teach “Listening to the Body”
Encourage your child to become aware of how their body feels when they’re calm versus when they’re upset. This mindfulness can help them recognize their body’s signals and learn to self-regulate.
Practical Tip: Teach your child to “check in” with their body by asking, “How does your tummy feel? Are your hands relaxed?” Helping them tune into their physical sensations builds self-awareness.
6. Use Time-Ins Instead of Time-Outs
Instead of isolating a child when they’re upset, offer a “time-in,” where you sit with them until they’re calm. This approach, rooted in polyvagal theory, helps the child feel safe while allowing them to process their emotions.
Practical Tip: Say, “Let’s take a break together. I’m here with you.” Sit quietly or use calming tools until they’re ready to talk.
7. Offer Predictability and Routine
A structured, predictable environment helps children feel safe. When they know what to expect, it reduces the sense of uncertainty that can activate their fight-or-flight response.
Practical Tip: Create consistent routines, especially during transitions (like bedtime or leaving for school). Saying, “First we’ll brush our teeth, then we’ll read a story,” provides a reassuring roadmap.
Applying Polyvagal Theory in Real-Life Scenarios
To see these principles in action, let’s consider a few common scenarios:
1. Toddler Tantrum in Public
If your toddler is having a meltdown in the store, they might be overwhelmed by sensory input. Instead of scolding, take a moment to co-regulate. Gently hold their hand, speak in a soft tone, and say, “I know it’s a lot right now. Let’s take a little break together outside.”
2. Sibling Conflict Over Toys
When siblings fight, their nervous systems are in high arousal. Try calmly intervening and acknowledging both children’s feelings: “It looks like you both really wanted that toy. Let’s take turns so everyone gets a turn.”
3. Homework Resistance
If your child is frustrated with homework, they might feel threatened by the challenge. Instead of pushing them to complete it, try connecting first: “I see homework feels hard right now. Let’s take a five-minute break, then I’ll sit with you and we can do it together.”
Resources for Parents
If you’re interested in diving deeper into polyvagal theory and brain-based parenting, these resources can provide additional support:
Books
• Beyond Behaviors by Dr. Mona Delahooke
• Polyvagal Theory in Therapy by Deb Dana
• The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (for deeper insight into trauma and the nervous system)
Bringing It All Together: The Power of Safe and Connected Parenting
Using polyvagal theory in parenting is more than just a strategy; it’s a shift in perspective. When we approach our children’s behavior through the lens of their nervous systems, we’re able to respond with empathy, compassion and an understanding that supports them in feeling safe and connected. This approach not only addresses the immediate behavior but also builds a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.
By learning to interpret your child’s behavior as communication from their nervous system, you’re better equipped to offer the comfort and co-regulation they need to shift back into a balanced, calm state. As Dr. Mona Delahooke reminds us, “A child who feels safe in their relationship with you will be more willing to share their emotions and work through challenges.”
Remember, the goal isn’t to avoid all challenging behaviors but to provide a secure base from which your child can learn to navigate big emotions and difficult moments. Over time, as they witness your calm, patient responses, they will internalize these same skills, developing greater self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Final Thoughts
Parenting with polyvagal theory in mind can feel like a whole new world, and it does take practice to consistently respond with empathy rather than react to challenging behaviors. But the effort you put into understanding and supporting your child’s nervous system can have a profound impact on your relationship with them and on their long-term emotional health.
So, the next time your child acts out, take a breath and remind yourself: this is a moment for connection, not correction. With compassion and co-regulation, you’re guiding them toward a lifelong sense of safety and self-confidence. And that’s a gift that will benefit them for years to come.
Parenting Alongside You!
Dr. Emma and The Aparently Parenting Team
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