When Your Child or Teen Is “Rude”: An Effective Parenting Approach
Jan 03, 2025
There isn't much that stings more than having our child or teen talk to us in a rude or disrespectful way. It’s natural for us as parents to feel hurt, disrespected, and even angry in those challenging moments. But, while it’s easy to focus on the words or tone, rudeness often masks something deeper—an emotional need or struggle that our child or teen doesn’t know how to express YET in more appropriate ways.
From a positive parenting perspective, the goal isn’t to punish or immediately correct our child or teen's rudeness but to recognize that it's a signal for us to be curious. A rude remark is often a clue about our child's emotional world. It's often a sign of their stress, frustration, or lack of emotional regulation. If we can approach these moments with empathy, curiosity, and connection, we can do a better job of meeting our child’s needs and then guide them toward a more respectful way to communicate with us.
What Rudeness Really Means
Dr. Ross Greene, psychologist and author of The Explosive Child, emphasizes that “kids do well if they can.” When a child is rude, it’s often because they don't yet have the skills to handle their emotions or express themselves. Their behavior isn't intentional disrespect; instead, it's more likely a sign of:
• Overwhelm: A bad day, sensory overload, or feeling unheard can all result in "rude" remarks.
• Hurt or Frustration: Your child may be struggling with something unrelated to you but directing their emotions at you because you’re a safe outlet.
• Developmental Stage: Teens, in particular, are navigating independence and self-expression, which can come across as defiance or rudeness.
• Unmet Needs: Hunger, exhaustion, or overstimulation can make it harder for kids to regulate their emotions.
Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, explains that “where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” When we focus on punishing rudeness, we miss the opportunity to address the underlying cause and help our child learn better communication skills.
Why You Don’t Have to Address Rudeness Immediately
Correcting a rude tone or harsh words in an upset moment can often escalate the situation. When emotions are high—for both you and your child—it’s not the time for teaching or discipline. Instead, it’s important to pause and focus on what’s really happening beneath the surface. As Dr. Becky Kennedy says in her book, Good Inside, "Helping our kids through tantrums relies on our ability to see through the event that set off the 'meltdown' and recognize the real, painful feelings underneath."
Here’s why:
1. Emotional Regulation Comes First: When a child is upset, they move into their "lower," emotional brain. They aren't using their "upper brain" which is the reasoning and logic focused portion of their brain. Because of this they have a much harder time being receptive to correction when they are emotionally dysregulated. This is true for parents too! When we are triggered and upset we revert to our emotional brain as well! This is why it's so important for us as adults to work on self-regulation before we step into a challenging moment with our child or teen, and why it is so important for us to validate our child's emotions before we address their behavior. Addressing the behavior immediately can lead to power struggles and further emotional dysregulation which would only heighten the situation.
2. Connection Before Correction: Positive parenting emphasizes the importance of connecting with your child first. When they feel understood, they are more likely to reflect on their behavior and work toward change. As Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids says, "If what you want is connection, don't start with correction. Always connect before you correct."
3. Behavior Is a Symptom: Addressing rudeness without understanding its root cause is like treating a fever without diagnosing the illness. The goal is to understand why your child acted rudely, not just to stop the behavior.
Strategies for Responding to Rudeness Positively
1. Pause and Stay Calm
Your first step is to regulate your own emotions. It’s normal to feel hurt or angry when your child is rude, but reacting in the moment will only escalate the conflict. Instead, take a deep breath, count to 10, or remind yourself, “This is not about me; this is about my child’s emotions.”
2. Focus on Empathy
Try to see the situation from your child’s perspective. What might they be feeling? What could have triggered their behavior? Expressing empathy doesn’t mean condoning rudeness but showing that you care about their emotions.
Here's an example: “It seems like something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?” or "Wow, you must be really upset about something right now for you to use that tone with me. Is something going on that I don't know about?"
3. Acknowledge the Emotion, Not the Behavior
You can validate your child’s feelings without condoning the rudeness. This helps them feel heard while gently guiding them toward more respectful communication.
Here's an example: If your teen snaps, “Leave me alone!” you could say, “It sounds like you need some space right now. Let’s talk later when you’re ready.”
4. Set Boundaries With Kindness
While it’s important to empathize, it’s also okay to set limits around how your child speaks to you.
Here's an example: “I understand you’re upset, but I’d like to be spoken to respectfully. Let’s figure this out together when we’re both calmer.”
5. Address the Root Cause Later
When emotions have settled down, revisit the incident in a calm, nonjudgmental way. This is the time to discuss what happened and brainstorm solutions together.
Here's an example: “I noticed you were upset earlier when you said [rude remark]. What was going on for you? How can we handle it differently next time?”
6. Model Respectful Communication
Children learn from how we handle our own emotions. If we respond to their rudeness with sarcasm, yelling, or anger, we reinforce the very behavior we’re trying to change. Show them what respectful communication looks like, even in tough moments.
7. Teach Emotional Regulation Skills
Help your child build the tools they need to manage their emotions more effectively. Teach strategies like deep breathing, naming their feelings, or taking a break when they are overwhelmed.
8. Provide Connection and Reassurance
Rudeness often stems from feelings of disconnection. Strengthen your relationship by spending quality time together, showing love, and reinforcing that they can come to you with any problem.
Here are some Examples of Positive Responses to Rudeness:
Child’s Remark / Positive Parent Response
“You’re so annoying!” / “It sounds like you’re frustrated. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to do this stupid chore!” / “You seem upset about cleaning. Let’s figure out how to make it easier.”
“Leave me alone!” / “Okay, I’ll give you some space. I’m here when you’re ready.”
“You never listen to me!” / “It sounds like you feel unheard. I want to understand—let’s talk.”
The Long-Term Benefits of Positive Responses
When we respond to rudeness with empathy and understanding, we:
• Teach our children emotional regulation and problem-solving skills.
• Build trust and strengthen the parent-child relationship.
• Create a safe space for children to express themselves without fear of judgment or punishment.
• Foster long-term respect that is rooted in connection, not fear.
As Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, notes: “Children will follow your guidance more willingly if you connect with them first. Connection is the foundation of influence.”
Rudeness from children and teens is often less about disrespect and more about emotional overwhelm, developmental struggles, or unmet needs. By approaching these moments with empathy, curiosity, and calm, parents can turn them into opportunities for connection and growth.
Remember, you don’t need to “fix” rudeness immediately. Instead, focus on understanding the deeper emotions that are at play and help your child learn better ways to express themselves. With patience, positive communication, and a commitment to connection, you’ll not only address the behavior but also nurture a healthier, more respectful relationship with your child.
Some of my favorite Resources (simply click the highlighted words for a hyperlink to purchase)
• The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene
• Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelsen
• Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham
Parenting Alongside You!
Dr. Emma Hostetter and the Aparently Parenting Team
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