Why Rewards Are Not Encouraged in Positive Parenting (And What to Do Instead)
Dec 18, 2024
Positive parenting focuses on nurturing intrinsic motivation, building strong parent-child relationships, and guiding children to act out of internal values rather than external incentives. One topic that often sparks debate is the use of rewards. While they may seem like an easy way to encourage desired behaviors, rewards can undermine the goals of positive parenting in subtle but significant ways.
This article explores why rewards are generally discouraged within the positive parenting framework, explains the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, and offers alternative strategies to support your child’s growth. As a caveat, it’s important to note that children with ADHD, who often have unique neurological needs, may benefit from carefully structured reward systems under certain circumstances.
What’s the Problem with Rewards?
Rewards may seem harmless—or even helpful—but they can have unintended consequences on a child’s development. Here’s why many positive parenting experts caution against them:
1. Rewards Focus on External Validation
Rewards operate on extrinsic motivation, meaning a child acts to gain an external prize rather than out of genuine interest or internal satisfaction.
Dr. Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards, writes:
“When we rely on rewards, we deprive children of the opportunity to experience the intrinsic satisfaction that comes from learning, creating, or helping others.”
Over time, children may develop a “what’s in it for me?” mindset, expecting compensation for behaviors they would otherwise have learned to value on their own.
2. Rewards Can Undermine Intrinsic Motivation
Research shows that extrinsic rewards can reduce intrinsic motivation, a phenomenon known as the “overjustification effect.” For example, if a child enjoys reading, offering a reward for finishing books might make reading feel like a chore rather than a joy.
3. Rewards Risk Creating Dependency
When rewards are the primary motivator, children may struggle to act without them. This can lead to difficulties with self-regulation and persistence when external incentives are absent.
4. Rewards Can Backfire
If a child doesn’t earn a reward, they may experience frustration, disappointment, or even meltdowns. Additionally, children might escalate demands, expecting increasingly larger or more extravagant rewards over time.
The Difference Between Extrinsic and Intrinsic Motivation
Extrinsic Motivation
• Definition: Acting to earn a reward or avoid a punishment.
• Example: Cleaning a room to earn extra screen time.
Intrinsic Motivation
• Definition: Acting out of personal satisfaction, interest, or alignment with one’s values.
• Example: Cleaning a room because it feels good to have an organized space.
Intrinsic motivation is the cornerstone of long-term growth and resilience. Positive parenting seeks to cultivate this internal drive by fostering curiosity, confidence, and connection.
Supporting Children Without Rewards
If rewards aren’t encouraged, how can parents effectively guide their children? Positive parenting offers numerous strategies that build intrinsic motivation and long-lasting skills:
1. Focus on Connection
A strong parent-child relationship is one of the most powerful motivators. When children feel loved, understood, and connected, they’re more likely to cooperate and act in alignment with family values.
• Example: Instead of saying, “If you finish your homework, we’ll go for ice cream,” try, “Let’s sit together and tackle this as a team.”
2. Use Natural Consequences
Natural consequences help children see the real-world impact of their choices, fostering accountability.
• Example: If a child refuses to wear a jacket, they may feel cold outside. This experience teaches them to make a better decision next time without parental intervention.
3. Offer Praise and Encouragement
Instead of offering a reward, acknowledge your child’s effort and progress. Focus on descriptive praise that emphasizes what they did well.
• Example: “I noticed how focused you were on that puzzle—it shows how determined you are!”
Parenting expert Dr. Laura Markham explains:
“When we praise effort rather than results, we help children develop a growth mindset and the intrinsic motivation to persevere.”
4. Create Collaborative Solutions
Involve your child in problem-solving. This empowers them to take ownership of their actions and decisions.
• Example: If your child struggles with morning routines, work together to create a visual schedule or checklist.
5. Teach Emotional Regulation
Children often resist tasks because of underlying emotions like frustration or boredom. Teaching emotional regulation skills can help them tackle challenges with confidence.
• Example: Use calming techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness exercises to manage big emotions.
6. Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations
Children thrive with consistent, predictable routines and clear expectations. When they understand what’s required, they feel more secure and capable of meeting those expectations.
• Example: “In our family, everyone helps clean up after dinner. Let’s work together to make it quick!”
7. Make Tasks Enjoyable
Transform mundane tasks into enjoyable experiences. Adding playfulness or autonomy can make a big difference.
• Example: Turn cleaning up into a race or let your child choose which task to start with.
A Special Note About ADHD
For children with ADHD, rewards may play a more prominent role in fostering motivation. Their brain’s dopamine pathways function differently, making extrinsic rewards an effective tool for reinforcing positive behaviors and building habits.
Dr. Russell Barkley, an ADHD expert, notes:
“Immediate rewards provide the stimulation and reinforcement that children with ADHD need to stay motivated and engaged.”
The key is to balance rewards with long-term strategies that gradually build intrinsic motivation and emotional regulation skills.
Building a Reward-Free Foundation
Positive parenting emphasizes raising children who act out of love, respect, and internal values—not because they’re chasing a prize. By focusing on connection, natural consequences, and collaborative problem-solving, parents can foster intrinsic motivation and resilience in their children.
For children with ADHD or other unique needs, consider a blended approach that thoughtfully incorporates rewards as a stepping stone rather than a long-term solution.
As Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, says:
“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, we have to make them feel worse? Instead, we must connect before we correct.”
When children feel empowered, valued, and supported, they naturally rise to the occasion—no rewards required.
What strategies have worked for your family? Share your experiences and questions in the comments below!
Parenting Alongside You!
Dr. Emma Hostetter at Aparently Parenting
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