Why We Shouldn’t Compare Our Kids—Even When It’s Positive
Nov 11, 2024
It’s tempting, isn’t it? You’re at the dinner table, marveling at how neatly your younger child eats compared to your oldest, or praising one child for their quick math skills right as their sibling struggles with their homework. But here’s the thing: even seemingly positive comparisons can hurt, and they can plant seeds of resentment and self-doubt in our kids that take root and grow.
In positive parenting, the idea is that every child has unique strengths, quirks, and timelines for growth. And comparing them—whether you’re highlighting good behavior, skills, or abilities—can actually harm your relationship with them and chip away at their self-esteem. In this article we will dive into why avoiding comparisons is so important, the hidden impact comparisons can have, and some positive parenting techniques that will help you recognize each child’s uniqueness without pitting them against each other.
1. Comparisons, Even Positive Ones, Create Pressure
When we positively compare one child to another, we might mean well. We think we’re encouraging one child’s strengths or trying to nudge the other toward similar behavior. But from a child’s perspective, this can feel like being set up on a pedestal they can’t step off from. If we say, “Your sister always finishes her homework on time; why don’t you try that too?” it sends the message that one child’s approach is the “right” one. And guess what? Kids pick up on that immediately.
Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, explains, “When children feel compared, they often feel pressured to meet standards that might not fit their unique personalities or abilities.” This pressure can backfire, leading one child to feel unmotivated or even resentful of the sibling they’re being compared to.
Alternative: Instead of saying, “Your sister always finishes her homework on time,” try, “I know homework is tough, but I see how hard you’re working on it. Let’s figure out what would help you.”
2. Comparisons Build Sibling Rivalries
The comparison trap often leads to rivalry—sometimes fierce, sometimes subtle. When kids are consistently compared to one another, they begin to see each other as competitors rather than allies. If one child hears, “Your brother is so good at sports; I wish you would enjoy them, too,” it’s easy for them to feel less valuable, sparking rivalry instead of closeness.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of Siblings Without Rivalry, stress that the best way to nurture sibling harmony is to focus on each child’s individual strengths rather than stacking them up against each other. “Children don’t need to be treated equally,” they write, “they need to be treated uniquely.” By avoiding comparisons, we send the message that each child is valued for who they are, not for how they measure up.
Alternative: Instead of saying, “Your sister is so good at sports,” try, “I see how much you enjoy drawing; I love how unique your artwork is.”
3. Comparisons Impact Self-Esteem and Confidence
Kids form much of their identity based on how they think their parents see them. If they’re constantly told, even through praise, that one sibling is the “smart one,” “creative one,” or “athletic one,” they start to internalize a limited self-concept. A child who is praised for being “the quiet one” might feel they can’t express themselves, while a child deemed “the smart one” might feel devastated if they struggle in school later on.
According to psychologist Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, this kind of labeling can lead to a “fixed mindset,” where kids believe their abilities are set in stone. Instead, by focusing on their individual effort and growth, we help them build a “growth mindset,” which helps them develop resilience and the willingness to try new things without fear of failure.
Alternative: Instead of saying, “You’re the smart one in the family,” try, “I love how hard you work at understanding new things.”
4. Comparisons Can Make Kids Feel Less Loved
As parents, we might not realize the power of our words, but kids often take them to heart. When they hear us say things like, “I wish you’d be more like your brother in [insert behavior here],” it can leave them feeling inadequate, as if our love is conditional. The unspoken message is, “I’ll be happy with you once you change.” This can have a deep impact on how children feel about themselves—and about our relationship with them.
Dr. Daniel Siegel, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, encourages parents to nurture a sense of safety and love in their relationship with each child. He emphasizes that children thrive when they feel accepted and safe, and comparisons can undermine this feeling of unconditional love.
Alternative: Instead of, “I wish you’d be more like your brother,” try, “I love you exactly as you are. What would help you with this?”
5. Each Child Has a Unique Path—Celebrate It
In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Faber and Mazlish remind us that each child develops their strengths and interests at their own pace. Rather than pushing them to conform to a certain behavior because their sibling excels in it, we can encourage them to discover what they love and excel in that.
Imagine how powerful it feels for a child to hear, “I love watching you become your own person” instead of feeling like they need to live up to their sibling’s achievements. By celebrating each child’s individual path, we show them that their uniqueness is valued and that they don’t have to compete for our love and pride.
Alternative: Instead of pointing out that one child excels in an area, say, “You each bring something special to our family, and I’m so proud of you for being who you are.”
6. Focus on Effort Over Comparison
Comparisons often imply that one child’s efforts aren’t good enough. Positive parenting teaches us that focusing on each child’s effort, rather than comparing them, is key to fostering resilience. When a child feels acknowledged for their effort, they’re more likely to feel motivated, even if the result doesn’t look perfect.
Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset tells us that acknowledging the effort kids put into tasks rather than the outcome builds a strong foundation for a positive self-image. Instead of “Why can’t you get your homework done as quickly as your sister?”, try “I see how hard you’re working to figure this out. That kind of effort is something to be proud of!”
Alternative: Say, “It’s amazing to see the effort you’re putting in. Keep it up—you’re doing great work.”
Resources for Fostering Unique Growth Without Comparison
If you’re looking to shift away from comparison in your parenting, here are some highly recommended resources that can guide you:
Books
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham
• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck
• The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Final Thoughts: Appreciating Your Child’s Unique Journey
It’s okay to slip up—comparing kids is natural. But each time we choose to celebrate our children’s individual efforts and qualities, we’re building their sense of self-worth and helping them see their sibling as a partner, not a competitor. So next time you catch yourself about to say, “Why can’t you be more like…,” take a breath and remember: the magic lies in what makes them unique. By valuing each child’s journey, you’re teaching them to do the same—for themselves and each other.
Parenting Alongside You!
Dr. Emma and the Aparently Parenting Team
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