Why “Time-In” Is the New “Timeout”: A Positive Parenting Approach to Calming Big Emotions
Nov 13, 2024
Timeouts have long been the go-to method for dealing with tantrums, meltdowns, and misbehavior. They’re used by countless parents and even recommended by some schools and pediatricians. The idea is simple: separate the child from others to “think about what they’ve done.” But what if there’s a better way? Research, along with insights from leaders in positive parenting and child psychology, suggests that timeouts may not only be ineffective in the long term, but they might actually damage the parent-child connection and make challenging behaviors worse.
So, what’s the alternative? Enter the “time-in.” Unlike timeouts, which isolate kids, time-ins focus on connection and emotional support. This article explores why timeouts may do more harm than good, why time-ins are a better option, and how to start using this approach effectively with your child.
Why Timeouts Aren’t the Answer
On the surface, timeouts seem logical: they give kids a chance to calm down and reflect on their behavior. But in reality, timeouts often have the opposite effect. Let’s look at why:
1. Timeouts Ignore the Underlying Emotion
Clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, explains, “Misbehavior is often an expression of an unmet need or overwhelming feeling.” When we send a child to timeout, we’re essentially telling them, “Deal with this alone.” Instead of helping them process their emotions, we’re teaching them to bottle up those feelings.
2. Timeouts Can Feel Like Rejection
Imagine if, as an adult, you were told to “go away and think about what you did” every time you made a mistake. You’d probably feel isolated, misunderstood, and even resentful. Children, who rely heavily on their parents for emotional security, experience timeouts as a form of rejection. Dr. Daniel Siegel, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, emphasizes that “Children need connection and understanding, especially when they are struggling.” Timeouts may end the behavior temporarily, but they risk eroding that essential connection.
3. Timeouts Don’t Teach Emotional Regulation
The American Academy of Pediatrics has noted that while timeouts can help children step away from overstimulating situations, they don’t actually teach emotional regulation skills. Kids need to learn how to manage big feelings, not just to suppress or hide them. Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, stresses that “Kids do well if they can.” Timeouts don’t give them the skills they need to do better next time.
4. They Can Escalate Negative Behavior
Timeouts often lead to more tantrums, acting out, or defiance. Why? Because children feel misunderstood, rejected, and disconnected. Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside, puts it this way: “Punishment only creates shame, and shame never leads to positive, long-lasting behavior changes.” Kids may stop misbehaving in the moment, but the root cause of the behavior remains, waiting to resurface.
What Is a Time-In?
A time-in is the opposite of a timeout. Rather than isolating the child, a time-in involves sitting with them, acknowledging their feelings, and helping them process what’s going on. This doesn’t mean you’re “letting them off the hook”; instead, you’re teaching them self-regulation, empathy, and problem-solving skills in a supportive environment.
According to Dr. Markham, a time-in is essentially “emotional coaching.” During a time-in, you might sit with your child, hold their hand, and use calming phrases like, “I see you’re really angry right now. I’m here with you.” This helps the child feel secure and heard, allowing them to calm down and learn from the experience.
The Benefits of Time-Ins
1. Promotes Emotional Awareness and Self-Regulation
Time-ins allow kids to understand and label their emotions. By sitting with your child and affirming their feelings, you’re helping them build emotional intelligence.When kids can identify their feelings, they’re better able to regulate them over time. You are also offering them co-regulation. Your child's nervous system may be in a fight, flight, freeze state. In order to move from a sympathetic state you can help them calm their nervous system with your steady, supportive presence in their most difficult moments.
2. Strengthens the Parent-Child Connection
Parenting expert Dr. Becky Kennedy emphasizes that kids learn best when they feel connected to their caregivers. Time-ins provide that crucial connection, even in challenging moments. Instead of being told, “You’re in trouble,” the child hears, “I’m here to help you through this.” This builds trust and reduces future defiance.
3. Teaches Problem-Solving Skills
Time-ins offer an opportunity to talk about what happened and brainstorm ways to handle it differently next time. Rather than feeling punished, the child feels empowered to make different choices in the future. As Dr. Greene explains, “Punishment doesn’t teach skills. Problem-solving does.” (Caveat: If your child is emotionally dysregulated, first focus on providing them emotional support before moving into problem solving. Your child will not be able to problem solve effectively when they are using their emotional "lower brain". Once they are in a clam state of mind they can tap into their "upper brain" that is able to use logic.
4. Reduces Shame and Fosters Self-Compassion
Time-ins help children learn to be kind to themselves when they mess up. By seeing that mistakes are part of learning, they build self-compassion, which makes them more resilient in the face of future challenges.
How to Implement Time-Ins
Here are some steps to make time-ins a positive experience for both you and your child:
1. Stay Calm and Regulated
Easier said than done, right? But kids feed off our emotions, so taking a few deep breaths can make all the difference. Try saying to yourself, “This is an opportunity for connection.”
2. Get Down to Their Level
Sit with your child at eye level. This conveys respect and creates a sense of safety. Some kids may try to push you away. This is okay. If you have to, sit on the floor outside of their room and let them know you are right there if they need you.
3. Label Their Emotion (OR...use a side door approach that doesn't name them)
Help them put words to their feelings. “It seems like you’re really frustrated because we had to leave the park.” By labeling their emotion, you’re helping them understand it and feel validated. However, some kids especially those who are deeply feeling or highly sensitive may feel evaluated by having their feelings named. This could backfire and lead to an even bigger outburst. These children need a more indirect approach. So, instead of naming their feelings you could simply say something like, "Something isn't feeling good to you. I believe you. I'm right here with you." or, "You are having a hard time. I get it. I love you, and I'm right here."
4. Stay Present and Offer Reassurance
Stay close and let them know you’re there. Phrases like, “I’m here with you” or “I’ll stay with you while you calm down” show that they’re not alone.
5. Problem-Solve Together
Once your child has calmed down, discuss the behavior and brainstorm solutions together. Ask questions like, “What could we do differently next time?” or “How can I help you when you feel this way?”
6. Set Gentle, Clear Boundaries
Time-ins aren’t about avoiding boundaries; they’re about reinforcing them kindly. Explain the limit and empathize. For example, “I know it’s hard to leave the park, but it’s time to go. Maybe next time, we can plan five extra minutes to wrap up.”
Examples of Time-In Scripts
Here are some helpful phrases to use during a time-in:
For Toddlers: “I see you’re very upset right now. Do you want to sit on my lap while we calm down together?”
For School-Age Kids: “I know it’s really disappointing that we have to leave now. It’s okay to feel frustrated. I’m here to help you through it.”
For Older Kids: “I can tell you’re feeling overwhelmed. Let’s sit and talk it through together. I’m here to help you figure this out.”
Final Thoughts: Why Time-Ins Are Worth It
Adopting time-ins over timeouts may take practice and patience, but the rewards are worth it. Parenting expert Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, says, “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that to make children do better, we must make them feel worse?” Time-ins reinforce the message that even when kids are at their worst, they are still worthy of our love, patience, and connection.
Let’s face it: parenting isn’t easy, and challenging moments are inevitable. But by choosing time-ins over timeouts, we’re teaching our kids that they’re not alone in their struggles—and that we’re here to guide them through it with love, not punishment.
Resources for More on Time-Ins and Positive Parenting
• Dr. Laura Markham - Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
• Dr. Daniel Siegel - The Whole-Brain Child
• Dr. Ross Greene - The Explosive Child
• Jane Nelsen - Positive Discipline
With these insights and tools, time-ins can become a powerful part of your parenting toolkit, helping to foster resilience, understanding, and a lasting bond with your child.
Parenting Alongside You!
Dr. Emma and the Aparently Parenting Team
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