An Introduction to Peaceful Parenting: Building Connection, Confidence, and Cooperation
Nov 24, 2024
Parenting is one of the most rewarding, yet challenging, roles we’ll ever take on. Most of us aim to raise kind, resilient, and well-adjusted kids, but it’s easy to feel overwhelmed when big emotions, power struggles, or everyday stress take over. Enter Peaceful Parenting, a transformative approach developed by Dr. Laura Markham, author of the renowned book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.
At Aparently Parenting, we love the principals outlined in Peaceful Parenting and incorporate them into our own approach and strategies along with other positive parenting, connection-based, and evidence backed approaches.
The Peaceful Parenting approach is not about controlling your child, and it is NOT permissive. Instead, it’s about creating a nurturing, emotionally secure environment where your child thrives—and where you stay connected, even in the hard moments. Let’s break it down.
What Is Peaceful Parenting?
Peaceful Parenting is built on three main principles:
1. Regulating Yourself as a Parent
Children look to us for guidance, and our ability to stay calm, centered, and compassionate in the face of challenges is the foundation of peaceful parenting. When we model emotional regulation, we teach our kids how to handle their own big emotions.
2. Fostering a Strong Parent-Child Connection
Children are wired to cooperate when they feel deeply connected to their parents. Dr. Markham emphasizes the importance of building a strong, loving bond through daily connection, play, and empathy. This connection not only strengthens the parent-child relationship but also fosters trust and mutual respect.
3. Coaching Instead of Controlling
Rather than using punishments or rewards to manipulate behavior, peaceful parenting focuses on guiding children to develop self-discipline, problem-solving skills, and emotional intelligence. This means setting limits with empathy, teaching appropriate behavior, and helping kids manage their feelings constructively.
The Core Ideas Behind Peaceful Parenting
1. Connection Is Key
Children act out when they feel disconnected. Whether they’re whining, defiant, or melting down, their behavior is often a signal that they need your attention, empathy, or reassurance.
Dr. Markham encourages parents to create moments of connection daily, such as:
• Spending 10–15 minutes of uninterrupted "special time" doing something your child loves.
• Offering physical affection, like hugs or holding hands as well as rough-housing with your child.
• Making eye contact and really listening to their stories and concerns and empathizing as much as we can.
When children feel connected to you, they’re more likely to cooperate and less likely to seek attention through negative behavior.
2. Behavior Is Communication
Every behavior—even the frustrating ones—comes from an unmet need or a big emotion your child doesn’t know how to process. Peaceful Parenting teaches us to get curious, not angry. Instead of asking, “Why is my child being so difficult?” ask:
• “What is my child trying to tell me?”
• “What feelings or needs are driving this behavior?”
For example:
• A tantrum might mean they’re overwhelmed and need help calming down.
• Defiance could signal they feel disconnected or powerless.
By addressing the root cause, rather than just the surface behavior, you help your child learn healthier ways to meet their needs.
3. Discipline Without Punishment
Peaceful Parenting takes a radically different view of discipline. Instead of time-outs, threats, or grounding, Dr. Markham advocates for empathetic limit-setting and natural consequences.
Here’s what that looks like:
• Set Limits with Empathy: “I know you’re upset and really want to keep playing, but it’s time to clean up now.”
• Problem-Solve Together: Work with your child to find solutions rather than imposing punishments.
• Focus on Teaching, Not Blame: When a mistake happens, use it as an opportunity to teach rather than shame.
This approach helps children develop internal motivation to do the right thing—not out of fear, but because they want to make good choices.
4. Parent Your Own Emotions First
Dr. Markham often says, “You cannot regulate your child’s emotions if you can’t regulate your own.” Peaceful Parenting emphasizes the importance of self-care, mindfulness, and healing your own triggers so you can respond with calmness instead of reacting with anger or frustration.
When your child pushes your buttons (and they will!), try these steps:
• Pause and take a deep breath before responding.
• Identify your own emotions: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.”
• Reframe the situation: “My child isn’t giving me a hard time; they’re having a hard time.”
How Peaceful Parenting Works in Real Life
Here are a few examples of how Peaceful Parenting principles might play out:
1. The Toddler Tantrum
Instead of yelling, “Stop screaming!” when your toddler is having a meltdown, get on their level and say, “You’re feeling really upset right now. I’m here to help.” Then, offer a calming strategy like a hug or a quiet space to process their emotions.
2. The Defiant Teen
If your teenager rolls their eyes and refuses to do their chores, try saying, “I hear that you’re feeling frustrated. Let’s figure out a time that works for both of us to get this done.” This shows you respect their perspective while still holding the boundary.
3. The Sibling Spat
When siblings are fighting, avoid taking sides or punishing one child. Instead, say, “It looks like you’re both upset. Let’s talk about what’s going on so we can find a solution together.”
Why Peaceful Parenting Works
Peaceful Parenting isn’t about being perfect (spoiler: no one is!), but it’s about showing up with empathy, consistency, and a commitment to connection.
The results are profound:
• Children feel safe and secure, which allows them to grow into confident, emotionally intelligent adults.
• Parents experience less stress and fewer power struggles.
• The whole family benefits from stronger, healthier relationships.
Practical Tips to Get Started
1. Focus on Connection
Start small by carving out one-on-one time with your child each day, even if it’s just 10 minutes.
2. Practice Self-Regulation
When you feel your temper rising, pause, take a breath, and remind yourself that your child’s behavior is not personal—it’s developmental.
3. Set Limits with Empathy
Be firm but kind: “It’s not safe to hit your brother. Let’s figure out what’s making you so upset.”
4. Model Emotional Intelligence
Talk openly about your own feelings and coping strategies. “I’m feeling stressed, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths to calm down.”
5. Seek Support
Parenting is hard work. Don’t hesitate to reach out for guidance, whether it’s from a partner, a parent coach, or resources like Aparently Parenting
Peaceful Parenting is not about being a perfect parent—it’s about being a present one. It’s about seeing challenges as opportunities to connect, empathize, and guide your child toward their best self.
So, the next time your child throws a tantrum in the grocery store or refuses to put their shoes on, remember: you’re not just raising a child—you’re raising a future adult who will know how to navigate their emotions, build healthy relationships, and face life with resilience.
And if all else fails? Take a deep breath, remind yourself you’re doing great, and know that you’ve got this.
(for PART 2 of Peaceful Parenting Click HERE!)
Parenting Alongside You!
Dr. Emma and the Aparently Parenting Team
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