Peaceful Parenting Part 2: Practical Strategies for Connection, Cooperation, and Emotional Growth
Nov 25, 2024
If you’ve already started exploring Peaceful Parenting (a form of positive parenting created by Dr. Laura Markham and based on her book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids), congratulations! You’re on a journey to build deeper connections with your child, foster cooperation, and raise an emotionally intelligent human. But knowing the philosophy and putting it into practice? That’s where things can feel a little overwhelming.
This follow-up (to our first article on Peaceful Parenting) dives into specific strategies and examples to help you tackle common parenting challenges with empathy and intention. Whether it’s a toddler refusing to leave the playground, a grade-schooler struggling with homework, or a teen pushing boundaries, these tips will help you parent with confidence.
1. Connection: The Foundation for All Cooperation
Why It Matters
Kids behave better when they feel deeply connected to their parents. Connection isn’t just about spending time together; it’s about being emotionally present and tuned in to their world.
Connection Strategies
Daily “Special Time”:
Dedicate 10–15 minutes each day to one-on-one time with your child. Let them choose the activity (within reason) and give them your undivided attention.
Example:
If your preschooler loves trains, get on the floor and build tracks together. For a teen, it might be watching a funny video they like or grabbing a milkshake.
Physical Affection/Rough-housing/Laughter:
Younger kids often need physical reassurance. Hugs, cuddles, high-fives, and back rubs go a long way. For older kids, respect their comfort level but find small ways to connect—like a pat on the shoulder or a fist bump. Rough-housing and laughter can also be a wonderful way to foster connection with your child.
Validate Their Feelings and Use Empathy 24/7:
When your child is upset, don’t dismiss their emotions (“You’re fine, stop crying”). Instead, empathize: “It’s really frustrating when your block tower falls down. Want to try again together?” Empathy fosters connection. While you won't be able to actually provide 24/7 empathy, this should be the goal!
2. Emotional Regulation: Be Their Calm in the Storm
Why It Matters
Kids with big emotions need a steady anchor. When you stay calm, you teach them how to regulate their feelings and trust that you’re a safe place, even when things get hard.
Emotional Regulation Strategies
Pause Before Reacting:
When you feel anger bubbling up, take a deep breath (or several). Remind yourself that your child isn’t giving you a hard time; they’re having a hard time.
Example: When your 6-year-old refuses to clean up their toys, pause. Instead of shouting, calmly say, “I know cleaning up feels like a big job. Let’s do it together.”
Teach Coping Skills:
Show your child how to manage their emotions in healthy ways.
Example: If your toddler is throwing a tantrum, model taking deep breaths: “Let’s take three big dragon breaths to help calm down.”
Create a Calm-Down Corner:
Set up a cozy spot with pillows, stuffed animals, and calming tools like a glitter jar. Encourage your child to use it when they’re feeling overwhelmed—not as a punishment, but as a way to regroup.
3. Discipline Without Punishment
Why It Matters
Punishment might stop the behavior in the short term, but it doesn’t teach kids why their actions were wrong or how to make better choices. Peaceful discipline focuses on teaching, guiding, and problem-solving.
Discipline Strategies
Empathetic Limit-Setting
Set clear boundaries, but deliver them with understanding.
Example: If your 3-year-old hits, say: “It’s okay to feel mad, but it’s not okay to hit. Let’s use our words to tell your brother how you feel.”
Natural Consequences
Let real-world consequences teach the lesson—when it’s safe to do so.
Example: If your child forgets their lunch, don’t rush to deliver it. Letting them experience mild hunger can help them remember next time (and they won’t starve in one afternoon).
Collaborative Problem-Solving
Work with your child to find solutions rather than dictating what they should do.
Example: If your teen leaves dirty dishes in their room, say, “It seems hard to remember to bring your dishes to the sink. How can we make this easier for you?”
4. Turning Challenging Moments Into Teaching Opportunities
Kids often act out when they’re feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure of how to express themselves. Use these moments to teach emotional intelligence and problem-solving skills.
Common Challenges and How to Respond
Scenario 1: The Toddler Meltdown
Your 3-year-old is losing it because you won’t buy candy at the checkout.
What to Do: Get down to their level and validate: “You really wanted that candy, and it’s hard to hear no.” Hold the limit: “We’re not buying candy today.” Then offer a choice: “Do you want to hold my hand or ride in the cart while we finish shopping?”
Scenario 2: The Defiant Grade-Schooler
Your 8-year-old refuses to do their homework.
What to Do: Instead of demanding compliance, get curious: “You seem frustrated. Is the homework too hard, or are you feeling tired?” Break the task into smaller steps, and offer support: “Let’s tackle the first two problems together, then you can take a break.”
Scenario 3: The Eye-Rolling Teen
Your 14-year-old snaps, “Why do you care so much?” when you ask about their day.
What to Do: Resist the urge to snap back. Instead, say: “You seem upset. I’ll give you some space, but I’m here if you want to talk.” Later, when they’re calmer, check in: “I noticed you were upset earlier. What’s going on?”
5. Encourage Positive Behavior Through Play and Connection
Why It Matters
Kids are more likely to cooperate when they feel connected and when life feels fun.
Playful Strategies
Turn Requests Into Games
Example: Instead of saying, “Clean up your toys,” try: “Can you clean up faster than I can count to 20?”
Use Humor to Diffuse Tension
Example: If your child refuses to brush their teeth, pretend their toothbrush is a rocket ship: “Quick, let’s launch it into your mouth!”
Special Rituals
Create small moments of connection throughout the day.
Example: A secret handshake before school drop-off or a silly bedtime song can strengthen your bond.
6. Build Your Own Resilience
Parenting is hard work, and staying calm and connected takes practice. Give yourself grace and remember: you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Self-Care Strategies for Parents
• Take Breaks: Step away for a few minutes when you need to reset.
• Seek Support: Talk to a partner, friend, or parenting group.
• Practice Mindfulness: Use apps like Headspace or Calm for quick stress relief.
• Celebrate Wins: Focus on the progress you’re making, even if it feels small.
Final Thoughts: Progress, Not Perfection
Peaceful Parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about showing up with empathy, learning from mistakes, and building a relationship with your child based on trust and connection. Some days will feel like a win, and other days will leave you counting the minutes until bedtime. That’s okay.
Remember: every time you choose connection over conflict, curiosity over control, and empathy over anger, you’re teaching your child how to navigate the world with kindness and resilience. And that’s a legacy worth celebrating.
You’ve got this.
For PART 1 in case you missed it click HERE
Parenting Alongside You!
Dr. Emma at Aparently Parenting
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